[6-1-04]

What's to celebrate, you ask? Your WebWeaver grew up in Albany, NY - the deep south of Upstate New York. And now he lives in Minnesota, where similar complaints are a part of life.

Wherever you live, you might enjoy these notes from the North.  But what about where you live?  Can you share some laughter about the place you call home?  Just send a note!

Jeff Foxworthy on Upstate NY

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Upstate New York.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Saranac Lake is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Upstate New York.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Upstate New York.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Upstate New York.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Upstate New York.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Upstate New York.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Upstate New York.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE UPSTATE NEW YORKER WHEN:

1. "Vacation" means going South past Albany for the weekend.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow

8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

10. Down South to you means Albany.

11. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Upstate New York friends.

Sad....but true!!!

Four All Who Reed and Right
===========================

[5-11-04]

You think the world is a bit mad these days?

For relief, take a couple minutes to enjoy the innocent madness of the English language. In poetry, yet!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat
is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it,
English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,

we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught,
why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?

In what other language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down;

in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

~Author Unknown~

A house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture. I can't tell you how many countless hours that I have spent CLEANING! I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - "in case someone came over." Then I realized one day that no one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!

Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the "condition" of my home. They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun. If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it! Dust if you must,
but wouldn't it be better
to paint a picture or write a letter,
bake a cake or plant a seed,
ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
with rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
music to hear and books to read,
friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
old age will come, and it's not kind.
And when you go - and go you must -
you, yourself will make more dust!

It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

Humans are proof that God has a sense of humor.

There's something compelling about a website that guesses what's in your head. Try a few rounds of this spookily accurate online 20 Questions game. Think of anything, and the site will attempt to "guess" it in 20 questions or less, asking gems like "is it heavier than a duck?"   [3-11-04]

[2-27-04]

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Thanks to Bill Knox  [2-14-04]

1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

2. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

3. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

4. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

5. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

9. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

10. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

11. There is a theory that states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

12. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? (And I can't get anything happening in my hibachi with gasoline and a flamethrower)

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE
(OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF):

WARNING: If you can't stand puns, don't go here!
[1-15-04]

[12-2-03]

WebWeaver's note: Some of our good visitors have let me know occasionally of their outrage at our occasional postings that they view as close to treasonous because they sound a bit critical of our President's ever-growing "War on Terrorism." Well, we hope this will provide some balance!

A TRUE FACT.... Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America.....do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'